I'm wondering if ANYBODY else can relate to this? I'm "thinking out loud" here so forgive me for how this mess comes out.

I find myself crying OFTEN over things that I have a hard time identifying the reason. The ONLY thing I can pin it on sometimes is the fact that NOTHING is perfect. Sometimes I see one of these motivational quotes and they make me cry. Why? Maybe because they illustrate a peace that I don't have?

Bernie Sanders latest commercial made me cry. You can see that

Probably the music plus what he represents to ME.

I could go on ALL DAY about the types of things that bring me to tears. The inability to identify WHY often causes me stress because I'd really prefer not to be having breakdowns at my desk over nothing.

Perfectionism is one of my greatest battles. Self esteem is another issue that I deal with. I've admitted this much here and in therapy.

Am I the only one who over analyzes when my therapist says nice things to me?

I'm the type of person who will trust until you give me reason not to. I like my therapist and I truly TRULY believe he is the best kind of person. The kind of person who is doing what he does because he has a genuine interest in helping people. If I was to go into psychology I can readily admit it's for my own selfish reasons. My curiosity being the main motivator. Helping people would be a by-product, not the goal.

So when I sit here and say that I believe that his ultimate goal is to help me, then why did it make me uneasy when he said I'm beautiful.

I'd already told him about the line from Pretty Woman,

When I first met my husband (before we were anything) I told him that if someone tells me I'm beautiful I don't believe them. I think they're lying to me. They don't have to be lying to me with any sort of nefarious goal in mind. I simply do not believe them.

We didn't have a session during Christmas week though he checked in with me because I'd sent him an email. He told me he missed me that week. Of course my brain SCREAMS, "LIAR!" I don't know how many clients he has, but I don't believe that I'm so special amongst them all for him to say that.

He's on vacation for 2 weeks and during our last session I'd been describing feeling needy. That I feel like an albatross to the people I love and respect the most. In response to this - my feeling like I have nothing to offer those people he'll tell me how intelligent and funny I am.

The entire time I am reciting this story here I've been sobbing.

I feel like I want to tell him this, but tell him what? "I really like you, but I'm so fvcking DAMAGED that I believe you're LYING to me every time you say something nice so can you please stop doing that?"

I was hoping that maybe someone who has been in therapy longer than me and has addressed issues such as these might be able to share some insight as to what needed to be addressed for them.

I was drafting an email to him, but then figured I'd stop by him and see if anyone had input.