i don't know how i feel about anything. i feel like those cheesy 8-ball predictors... shake the ball and watch what answer it gives. My feelings are like that.. so many thoughts and feelings are jumbled up and every now and then one floats up and grabs me and then it's back to confusion.

i blew my small emergencey savings. i feel like a total %#@&#! loser. i feel lower than something you would scrap off your shoe. i have been trying so %#@&#! hard to make my own life and i %#@&#! it all up. i can't even do this right. That was my safety net, enough to pay my rent for a month if things went wrong .... and in my world they do, all the time. This was the stupidest %#@&#! thing i have ever done.

i deserve every bit of crap that i suffer because i am too stupid to live. i tell my T all the time and am not real people