I've come up with a theory, one that's taken a lifetime to build. That there are simply some people whose lives have different "rules" than the rest. Things just work differently for them for no real reason. They put in the same effort as their neighbor and get a vastly different result. There are some people whose place in this universe is on the bottom and the universe is constantly there, kicking them, to remind them of that immutable fact. Perhaps these people weren't meant to be here at all, and their constant misfortune is the result of some force larger than ourselves trying to drop a hint.

I am one of those people.

My whole life long, nothing has ever gone right for me. No matter what I do, no matter how positive I try to stay, no matter how specifically hard I work to avoid certain outcomes, the most undesirable one is always the result (even if by all logic, it shouldn't be). I'm reminded of a quote from French poet Jean de La Fontaine: Man often meets his destiny on the path he takes to avoid it. I can't see that as anything other than true.

I feel like I have no place in this world. I've watched my friends grow up and progress around me. I know what you're thinking: well, you can't compare yourself to other people; it gets a little hard when you try to replicate even the tiniest portion of that success with absolutely nothing to show for it. I don't want to be rich, I don't want to be famous. For the past 8 years at least, I have literally wanted nothing more than a job and my own apartment. It doesn't even have to be nice. A modest goal, I'm sure most of you would agree. I've had one failed start to life after another and now at 26, find myself being nothing more than an embarrassing failure. And it is embarrassing, highly, when I am able to pick up on what seems like something that will finally be my "out," it inevitably goes away with absolutely no discernible reason every single time. I've had "sure thing" jobs arranged by friends that went to someone else. One of the most recent was hindered by constant technology failures and when it finally went through, I was told that I "waited too long" and they had to move on. I nearly lost my mind that day. I have become that one friend that everyone has that nothing ever seems to go right for. They will not say it, but my friends pity me. My constant pitfalls are given less and less sympathy every time because they're so commonplace. They try to tell me that there isn't some magical force out there trying to "get me" or otherwise keep me down, but I contend that they simply don't understand, even as crazy as it sounds. My life is my life. I know it better than anything or anyone. They'd feel this way too if this constantly happened to them with no reprieve.

I don't drink, I don't smoke, I enjoy being sociable. I'm not some weird shut-in. I love my friends more than life itself and am genuinely happy for their various successes. But I have nothing in common with them. I fear that they are getting tired of me.

My biggest source of depression comes from the fact that I've been constantly, desperately searching for a job for nearly a year and a half. I wasn't able to afford college (don't talk to me about scholarships: believe me, I tried), so I went to work instead. I have what I'm told is a pretty reputable resume, but it's done me no favors so far. My very life is in the hands of snotty, apathetic HR personnel who let their computers do the sorting for them and have impossibly high standards. To them, I am just a stupid, thoroughly unimpressive piece of paper. I'm not a human being. I don't need to eat or have shelter. I've tried high and low to find a job: from the skilled, well-paying things I am qualified for to the "why don't you just go get a job at?" places: Walmart, McDonald's, pharmacy and grocery stores, etc. Nothing. Nobody wants me.

I'm just so tired of this. So tired of being embarrassed. So tired of nothing letting me in and nobody giving me a chance. I truly feel like I'm not meant to exist. There is no place for me in this world and something out there is trying its damnedest to let me know.