doing better than yesterday. my black mood seems to have passed, though a grey cloud still hangs over me and refuses to lift. so far this week has been a bust. yesterday was terrible. first with my mom's rejection, then me accidentally smashing my left index finger in my bedroom door while closing it, and it still hurts. of course my mom tired getting me to sit with her when she was drunk, and i very politely refused. then the cherry on top; last night the left side of my earbuds stopped working properly after not even 3 months of owning this pair, and i don't have a backup to use until i can get news ones. i (very stupidly) threw out my backup when i got this most recent pair, thinking i wouldn't need them. i rely very heavily on my music to get me through the day, and especially when my parents are drunk and playing their own music all evening long. so this is hard. i'll have to use part of my last $30 to buy a cheap pair from the dollar store until i can get a ride to walmart, which won't be for a very long while i'm predicting.

so i'm not in the best of moods, to say the least. i've been waking up later, an obvious sign of depression returning, and it looks like it will be sticking around this time. i have two moods as far as eating goes; eat too much junk food to comfort myself, or eat hardly anything at all. right now it's hardly anything. since yesterday i've been feeling short of breath and dizzy upon standing. i know it's likely related to the eating, but i don't want to eat normally. it's too much effort.

my mom did 'let' me sit with her today, though most of our time together was spent with her trying to send a money order to my older sister in new mexico. so we didn't really get to talk about anything. i'm still very lonely. and of course my sister was completely ungrateful, didn't text a thank you or anything. she is quickly becoming a person i do not like. as if this weren't enough, my older brother and his girlfriend recently broke up. turns out she'd been lying to him for the past 4 years and cheating on him. they have a young son together. now he can't even see his own son. my mom and i will likely never get to meet him now.