Received the video of jane's service yesterday in the mail. Took it in to my T this morning and we watched it together. It wasn't what I had feared. Lots of people spoke of her and their experiences, memories. I was kind of funny because they were behind a curtain waiting for their turn with a microphone where as at other services things are more casual. This must have been hubby as he has always been a theater director or actor of some sort. The things people said were profoundly sincere and true. Many soke my heart for me. Not a lot of tears but service was held 2 weeks after death. Son had a hard time with composure. She leaves big shoes to fill. She did so much for her world, her community, her friends. Always acting to improve the human condition. I cried at the end a little when I saw her face and some quotes on the screen. Wanted to touch her. Still do. Want to have a copy made before I send it back. My Jane was special to me, and other people said that too, she made them feel special and so loved. That is my Jane. The pain is letting up some, those first days were torture. I feel like there is always so much happening in my life that I always have a drama to tell. My daughter's ocd has been bad, anxiety through the roof and cancer kid was in ICU 3 times in the last week. she was loosing a liter of blodd daily and constantly being tranfused. She is back on floor today and bleeding stopped for now. Very frightening. I walked in on a sudden death and an old disabled man lying in his own excrement for 24 hours on the floor. This was a week ago maybe? The week before that I helped a dear woman I had known for 16 years die the way she wished, I supported her daughter and gave comfort as she was dying. Hubby wrote me last night and told me to take all of the time from family I need to heal. He knows where I have been. I want to be avail to my ocd daughter as well as other kids. Trying to get a team together, it's impossible to find psychiatric care for people where I live without a 2 hour drive or more. She needs a change in meds. Struggling with cancer kid and that fear. She seems worse since I brought her to visit last time. Audit by state finished just hours before I learned of Jane's death. So much drama. My back has been horrid. Not as bad as it could be but there non the less. I am going to ask for a P.T. referral when these spasms stop to see if that helps. Currently taking percoset and flexeril at night and vicodin during day. No pain right now and last pill was about 12:30. Yeah. Will go to a pain clinic if the P.T. doesn't help. I will not take narcotics for the rest of my life. Or be in this pain. I feel like I won't be believed, it's one thing after another. I am not even mentioning things like friends' cancers and other isssues that concern me. Jane hit me hard. How could I lose such a special force in my life? How lucky was I to have her for nearly 30 years? My dear Jane, she knew I loved her so.