Hi everyone.
Sorry if this is a bit lengthy but I really would appreciate any thoughts, advice, etc. that you may have.

I had an abortion near the end of November 2015, actually exactly two months ago today. Upon finding out I was pregnant, my first feelings towards the situation were anger and fear. Within minutes of finding out, I was stating that I wanted an abortion and I did not want to be in the situation I was in. After a couple of days, I began to struggle with the decision a little more and was not sure what I should do. In the back of my mind, however, I almost knew that I had to have the abortion, or at least felt like I had to, because I was quite scared about the reactions or treatment I would receive from my family and friends. I am not married, currently a student and was only with my boyfriend for six months when this happened. I was also thinking about being so young (23) and not being able to enjoy my life as I should at this age, as a child would get in the way. Even though I had these thoughts, I was going back and forth with feelings of guilt and sadness about ending the pregnancy.

I did not wait long to book the procedure. There was only a week between finding out and actually having the abortion. I felt that it was wrong to keep the baby for a longer period of time and allow it to develop as I knew I "had" to have the abortion anyway. Looking back, I feel as though I did not spend enough time making this decision and that I rushed out of fear. As soon as I entered the abortion clinic, I became extremely sad. I could not fill out the paperwork and made my boyfriend do it and read it out to me. I cried during the entire procedure and for about an hour after it. The nurse administering the IV asked me if I was sure about my decision and asked why I was crying. I told her I was just sad.

Now it has been two months and I still get random moments of sadness. It happens maybe a couple times a week and almost every time it is enough to bring me to tears again. I would describe my feelings as when a loved one passes away and you just deeply miss them. I somehow miss this baby. How can I miss someone I never got to know? Something I really never had.. I think back to this time and remember smiling to myself and thinking of how this baby was my little secret (mine and my BFs). I miss laying at night and knowing that there was a baby inside of me and that it was mine. I get strong feelings of regret, sadness and guilt. I feel like even in the short period of time that I had with this baby, I developed a connection to it. I feel jealous and sad when I see families out and about with their young children. I feel jealous and sad when I see people I know that are pregnant. I feel like I let my fear get the best of me and I acted too soon. I have thought before that if I had waited a couple of weeks longer, I would have likely kept the baby. I beat myself up over my decision at times but I do not voice this to anyone as no one but my BF and I know. I feel embarrassed to share my thoughts with him because I almost feel like I can't stand to say these words out loud and see his face or reaction.

Has anyone gone through the same situation? What has helped you? I'm open to hearing from you and if anything, it felt nice to express myself in some way.

Thank you if you have read this far.
xoxo