Dear Robin, we own a hand gun and it is loaded and readily accessible. I think I fear an intruder more than myself. Or maybe it's just I'm too chicken I don't know. Each of us must decide what is going to keep us absolutely safe. If there's the slightest doubt then protect yourself at all cost! Maybe for me also, my mom committed suicide when I was 8 by shooting g herself. I too never know from one day to the next what I will be feeling but I have learned to call for help even from the bottom of the rabbits hole as you say. My heart goes out to you. I know I also worry when the next relapse might come, so arm yourself with nbers of people and places you can call for help. I don't know if any of this was helpful but I wish for you years and years of happiness and stability.