you know one of the things thats really getting to me this week is i seem to have blown yet another friendship. i got really close to this person online. i rarely believe this even when i feel intense emotions but i really did think i loved her (platonically). we talked about things ive never talked about with anyone else and she was helping me so much. i told her about my trust issues and how i knew one day she would leave because everyone does and she almost managed to completely reassure me she would always be there for me. i have never trusted that about anyone since i was 10.
then i screwed up. i got angry and defensive and scared and triggered and screwed up. i was slow getting back to her. months slow. i didnt know what i was doing. all i knew was i didnt want to lose contact with her but i couldnt contact her without sounding judgmental or something so i didnt. just the odd message to try to keep the possibility alive.
anyway probably about six months ago i started emailing again and she sounded so glad to hear from me. wary because she didnt understand what had happened. i tried to explain but since i dont understand either it was hard. then i sent her some writing i had done and she emailed back fast saying she loved it and would i like her to comment. i replied saying id love it and then didnt hear back from her. i was worried about her because of stuff going on in her life so i emailed just a quick hi and still nothing. then i really got worried and asked her to let me know she was ok. i got an email back of a few lines saying just daily things and that she was fine. i answered that asking if she had gotten my mail asking for her comments and got no reply. then i sent her more writing and still nothing back. that was last thursday.
i guess ive lost her. right when i really need someone comforting to talk to she s gone. that hurts. it hurts so much. abandonment is a HUGE thing for me. and you know what else? its a huge thing to me and still it pales in comparison to the other crap going round in my head right now. its mixed in with some of it. or all of it. i dont know.
so i did it again. i should get into the guinness book of records or something for most efficient at pushing people away. repellent. im a people repellent. i must have done something really wrong in a past life or i must be inherently really bad to be made to life a life where i repell everyone and be stuck with the one person i want to repell - me. oh and that other creep who keeps trying to 'connect' with me. f him. if he didnt want me then hes certainly not getting me now. if good i can trust that good people will always hurt me by leaving (because of me) then i can be absolutely without a doubt definite that if i let him anywhere near me hes going to hurt me again.
so that was just yet another of my self pitying vents. roll on death. im done.