Thanks Cash. I know and honestly going into the hospital anyway I can has been on my mind a lot. So far I can handle it but I have to be careful because I'm having moments that I really have to calm myself down. But for now it is day by day. I know that there is a point where my therapist is going to put his foot down. If I would let him see what is really going on in my head he would probably have done it but I cover with him. My mom sees some moments and I have no idea what she thinks aside from knowing things are really bad but mostly I am keeping others from seeing it. It feels too out of control so I fight through the bits of time I need to be more normal and try to limit them. Good or bad that's what is working this moment. I know tomorrow could be totally different and that could be the day I have to go to the ER.

I think as long as I can keep from getting too caught up in my head I can stay safe. But I don't know if I can do that for too long. Then again I've been doing it so long (not this badly maybe) that I can't remember how to get through a day without a fight.