I felt better for a few days. Maybe a five on a one to ten scale. Not baseline but not terrible. I was productive. I made it to work on time. I showered. I shoveled a ton of snow. All those things. But I couldn't shake the lingering malaise. I would be ok in the morning and then depressed in the evening. Not as intense Sui thoughts but still there, more out of habit than anything. But then I wake up today and it's like WHAM. The wind was knocked out of me as I crawled out from underneath the covers This morning. I mean damn I have to function? How is this even possible?

I'm so ****ing depressed today that I just want to die. I can't live like this. But my brain is so mushy I can't formulate a plan. And then there's always my son. Can't leave him.

My therapist has compared the Chronic depression to chronic pain. It may never go away she says. So the key, she says, is to make it more bearable. She advocates dbt skills. Doing small things to make myself feel better, if only for a few minutes.

But this is how I have to live my life? Grabbing at straws to make living bearable? Am I never to be happy? Is that not a possibility for me anymore? I'm having a real hard time accepting this as my reality. I understand what she's saying and I think she's right, but I don't see how I can live this way. How can I accept that this is just my life now?

I could be depressed for a number of reasons. Medication is not touching it. Plus I don't even know who my pdoc is anymore. I went to see my regular pdoc last week and she shuffled me off to the other pnurse, the one who gives me my shot. She didn't even see me. The other pnurse doesn't have prescribing power for me because I am not her patient. How can my pnurse just shuffle me off and not even see me to check in? Especially since she didn't see me in December either? I mean at least tell me you're not going to see me. So I'm trying to switch to the other pnurse because I don't want to deal with a medication provider that won't even see me to check in. I guess I have to call tomorrow. But that's soooooo much effort when I am feeling so low.

I don't even know how I made it through work. I just keep thinking if I take any more time off I'm going to be fired at the end of the year, and then I think GOOD. then I can do subbing instead.

I keep saying in my head I can't do this. I can't breathe, I hit myself in the head, I want to cry and throw up. But I did enjoy dinner today...so maybe that's what my therapist means by finding the little things.

I want to call my pnurse and say HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME but what can she even do? No medication will work. I'm afraid to try the maoi because of all the diet restrictions - it would be only too easy to harm myself simply by drinking beer and eating aged cheese and soy sauce. I don't know if I would die but I could **** myself up and I don't feel safe enough to trust myself not to do it. I'm desperate.

God dammit I wish my husband were here to hold my hand.

I know this was really disjointed. Thanks for reading, if you do.