Sunrise, I'm with you on being uncomfortable with anger. I also never learned what to do with anger as a child, and I had a lot of it. I just stuffed it, because I got in trouble when I exploded at anybody. Anger wasn't acceptable in my family. When we try to hold it in, it never goes away though. It poisens us from within, and it seeps out where we don't want it too. Sometimes we might act out passive-aggressively, or other times we might explode or implode, but whichever way, it isn't pretty, and it hurts us and the people we love, probably a lot more than if we could just express the anger.

My T had me make a list of what I was angry about recently too. After I did that (and it was hard, and I wasn't comfortable about it, and felt stupid for holding on to all that stuff), she said that the purpose was for me to recognize that I am a very angry person. Somehow, I think there is still a lot more processing to be done with that.

I can also unserstand anger sometimes being easier to handle than depression. Sometimes depression gets so old that anything might feel better. I remember feeling better once while actively thinking about killing myself. I was so tired of being numb, and it was thrilling to feel something, just anything. For people who have been able to express anger, it might feel better because it could be familiar, and because it feels good to get it out.

Have you ever seen the movie or play, "Man of La Mancha?" It's one of my all time favorites, and I admire a character called Aldonza, or Dulcinea as Don Quijote calls her. She's a very low-born woman who works and cleans up at an inn, and makes extra pocket change through prostitution. I like her because even though she's stuck in a life that nobody would choose, she is strong. It's her anger that makes her seem strong. When Don Quijote calls her his Lady though, and starts treating her with the utmost chivalry, she can't stand it and breaks down. It's part of a healing process for her, although she hates it at the time. She prefers anger. One verse of one of her songs, that has always stuck with me, is:

"Can't you see what your gentle insanities do to me - rob me of anger and leave me despair! Blows and abuse I can take and give back again. Tenderness, I cannot bear!"