I just realized this today, which is sad and awful on my part. I have just not been well enough to keep email exchanges going and she must have felt things should be more even because she never really tried emailing and asking how I am. Not that she should have to do that but she did know things were rough. Maybe it was worse than she understood; this is an online friend who I knew for about 6 years but this is by FAR the worst I've been in 6 years and I've never had anything close to a 12 month episode in those 6 years except this. I really think she didn't get it. And I am bad at emailing right now. I have nothing to say about real life; I have no real life. Most things I would normally talk about I don't care about right now. So I guess I let go. I fee bad about that but right now, in the midst of everything, I can't even make myself try to fix things. I can't handle the stress. I hopefully will be able to try eventually but for now I just can't.

The whole thing makes me sad. I understand giving up on me, I really do, I've not done my half for a long time. But I also feel like protesting that this is not my fault and is a risk that my friends should know exists: that I get too sick to keep up for a while, sometimes a long while. I guess it's harder with email too. If she could see me she'd know immediately I think; I don't really look so good right now.

I also am sad that it took me a long time to notice I hadn't heard from her. But I'm doing the very best I can. I don't know what else to say.