My thoughts on this are limited by the challenges of communication in this medium. The lack of back and forth allowing for questions of clarification, voice inflection, body language, etc. I'm sure that you realize the limitations but as this is your first post here, and I don't know how much experience you have in this type of setting, I thought I'd mention it.

I'd like to begin by saying that I feel for your suffering. I think you're doing a disservice to yourself when you dismiss or minimize the cost to you in all of this, and I've no doubt you do. I usually pull punches on this forum - it's a gentle place, but I assume you'll just intellectualize my comment away if I do, so I'll be more blunt than usual.

Sweeping statements in response to a well thought out and detailed post seem lazy and point to someone uninvested in your plight, but I have to risk saying it: You need to shoot the white horse and it needs to be a kill shot.

Are you familiar with the term cathexis? I'd suggest that this is what is passing for love in this relationship. Loving her is about giving her what she needs to blossom and grow. What you are doing is insulating and protecting her from the consequences of her behavior and actions. She cannot grow this way. She will be forever dependent upon you, and that dependence will prevent a real, mature expression of love.

What mental illness she has or does not have, is almost inconsequential. Whatever it is, it is her responsibility for which she can turn to you for assistance. You have made it your responsibility to determine so that you can take steps to fix it, with or without her conscious contributions. At this point, the best you can hope to do is to diagnose her and then coerce her into being helped. She will continue to resist you.

My advice and suggestion, would be to begin counseling yourself. Become willing to understand your part in this and how to protect yourself. Right now you are her excuse for her behavior and outbursts, you're her emotional punching bag and the foundation upon which she has managed to build a very unsafe platform for living. In learning to allow yourself to let her world come crumbling down on top of her, you may give her the incentive she needs to get help, grow, and then perhaps even start to become a woman capable of being a healthy and responsible wife, mother and employee.

Best wishes.