I'm not sure about the title, but it was the best I could think of for what's bothering me. Also, I apologize for making so many threads.
Some may know I've had a lifelong obsession with intelligence (I feel like I mention it constantly). I essentially have an entire network of thought and belief built around it, that I see no way of ever taking down. Intelligence is value, the gifted are the only people who matter, and average people are worthless wastes of space whose entire existence is totally futile; those are just facts as far as I can see, and some people have been scared by the details of my thoughts there.
The reason I'm writing, is that in some way I'm a little scared by my ability to dissociate from long tracts of thought about this topic. How I can entertain a massive inner monologue, sometimes going on for over an hour at a time, about how average people are worthless, can never meaningfully improve themselves, will never be anything but a waste of space and resources and a boon for the intelligent and should therefore kill themselves.... and feel nothing? I'm rambling internally as calmly, even happily, as though I were recounting details of that new show I watched.
Weirder still, it's so easy to just put it aside when I'm done, and go watch mindless videos online or laugh at an amusing article. Heck, I can even switch gears and just entertain myself. That shouldn't work though... I shouldn't be able to go from detailed self-condemnation to lighthearted entertainment. Especially not when I wholeheartedly believe that condemnation (though that does explain why I go for entertainment rather than self-improvement. There's no point. I'm average. You're born with your intelligence and its functions - creativity, problem-solving, critical thinking - and you can't do much to meaningfully improve it. Even if you do, hard work is embarrassing. It's basically announcing that you're one of the useless masses rather than gifted, otherwise you would have little trouble. You're normal, average, just like everyone else, and therefore dispensable, insignificant, useless, and boring. I've lost my ability to learn anyway).
What am I doing here, mentally? This detachment doesn't make sense to me. Surely I should have more emotions about something so personal? Or maybe I'm just desensitized?
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