Dear T

I was doing my ''homework'' and I took out my old workbook, that one fromabout 3 years ago. There were also some loose papers in it. One of those was an email I wrote to you and your reply to that. It was a long email and at the end some more encouraging words. I feel like you overestimate me. You think I can do more than I actually can (or I think I can). You think I'm strong, but I'm not strong. You think I can do it, if only I try my best and don't do the things for less than 50%. But I can't do it.

Reading that email, it gave me a sad feeling. Like I miss something? Do I miss how things were back then? Do I miss how our relationship was back then? Do I miss having a T without kids, without a fat belly? Your pregnancy, you leaving me, it hurts me.
I feel like something is different. Ever since you start working at this new place, I don't know, something seems off. It feels like that.

And ow you're pregnant. How am I going to get through these last two months with you? Your leaving will be in the back of my mind the whole time. Your fat belly that will get bigger and bigger wil remind me every time. It distracts me.
I just want to yell at you. But I also don't. I don't want to ruin things. Though you already sort of have.

I feel sad and hopeless and lonely. We can talk about that and you can say BS like 'a new T can be a positive things for you', but it won't change my feelings and thoughts. Maybe it will change after you leave me and I have a new T. I don't kow. Maybe it won't. Maybe that T won't understand me, won't be useful and then I can only get more angry on you and all that has to do with therapy.

I don't know what to do.