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Originally Posted by littleowl2006
Good evening.
I liked your post because I think you are being honest and you reflect on your own internalized thinking patterns. You have to have some distance to do that - hence the missing feeling of guilt and shame?
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True, I think about my thoughts a lot. I have nothing better to do. But there is guilt and shame attached, almost inherently. I have an entire belief system whose goal is to prove how worthless and undeserving I am. I might be thinking and mentally talk about average people in the third person... really, the only person I would or could ever apply these thoughts to is myself. I want to think in first person. I kind of got in the habit of it when I started letting these thoughts loose online - it seemed less narcissistic to talk about a group than just myself. The key being I never insult a group unless I'm part of it.
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Are you sure you aren't just repeating something old here? Something you have learned and got convinced was true, but now you know it doesn't make sense anymore and that it is useless to use these categories? Why not change your mind intentionally and not give these thoughts so much space? I do believe it is possible to change our ways of repeating the old patterns.
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I had a thought just a little bit ago about this, and what might lie at the base of it. It's pathetic:
life is not worth living unless you are exceptional. I didn't have pushy parents, and I wasn't accomplished as a child. I was, however, lied to about being highly intelligent. I know I always thrived on praise and looking good intellectually for others, and I haven't so much as tasted that in a long time, and probably won't. Praise and attention are for exceptional people.