last night.. i was hurting so bad inside. I wanted to hurt myself. I found a stick and beat myself with it. As i did, I remembered how it felt when my dad used to beat us. When you didnt know which part of the body to protect. if i got to keep my clothes on it helped. Belts hurt.. maybe b/c they were leather. But his hands were more damaging. .. now i wonder if thats why i cant feel good anymore.. I feel like that if I could beat myself like that again or worse.. maybe all the pain inside would go away.