::::TRIGGER WARNING::::

If this is not okay to post here, please delete and let me know. I can't figure out how to hide the trigger parts or if I should even post this here.


Dear T,

I don't know why I feel so terrible, but I do. I just feel so mixed up and confused and overwhelmed and scared. I thought my session on Monday was intense but in a good way. I felt okay when I left, but then everything just started crashing in on me. My thoughts are racing around my head in a million different directions. I am scared to death that we are going to get nuclear bombed or there's going to be a horrific disaster and everyone will die. I'm scared I'm going to crash my car and kill someone accidentally. I'm scared my sister is going to kill herself with drugs and then my parents will kill themselves. I have no sense of stability right now. And, I don't want to tell you, but I have thought more and more about cutting. I can't figure out what is wrong to make me feel so bad, and it's like all this pain is inside but I can't find an outlet for it. I haven't done it, but I keep thinking about it over and over. My only other option has been to binge until I'm sick. I hate myself for that. I kept thinking things would get better as time went by, but it didn't, so I e-mailed you asking if you had a cancellation, and you were so kind to offer me an appointment tomorrow evening. You didn't say it was a cancellation, and I'm pretty sure you don't normally see clients that late on a Friday, so I'm guessing you are seeing me as an emergency. I feel so guilty for that. I don't even know what I will say other than that I feel so bad and I don't know why. I wish I could just walk in your office, sit in my chair, curl up in a ball, hide my face in the pillow and cry so hard. Right now, I feel my heart beating 100 miles an hour. I don't know how I will sleep tonight. Please help me believe this is just a slump and not a total spiral. I can't go back to the hospital.