I have never taken myself off my meds in the 19 years I've been on them. I've of course chosen to not take them certain times but I've been a little lamb as far as compliance.

Today I was thinking that I am waiting and waiting for the hospital to decide if they can help me (and if not for another hospital to decide). I can go in via ER at any time and my therapist is ready and willing to call my pdoc and say I need to go in because of _____, I just have to give him blank. I'd decided to go as long as possible without giving that up because it just will make it go better if that doesn't happen. Then today I realized that I can probably do this for a really long time. This is horrible and every day feels awful but I've been through worse. I can think of two times it was worse than this, one of those for a prolonged time because I went from suicidal plan with intent to less suicidal and into intense PTSD treatment and so things were very hard for a long time.

And it occurred to me that all I have to do is start taking myself off my Seroquel and I'll be right in the hospital and partway through what has to happen. Not ideal and it would completely freak my mom out but it would end this.

I'm not going to do it but the temptation is enormous. I believe I am getting desperate, even though I do know I can wait this out for another week or two. (I did request that I PLEASE be scheduled to see my pdoc in Feb. so if 3 weeks more or so pass at least she can see for herself what is happening to me). If it weren't that it would terrify my mom I would do it. Well, that and going in for non-compliance probably isn't the best way to get started on a drug that requires complete compliance with bloodwork.

Still........