I'll put *trigger* because I'm not confident that I'll use the approved PC language and because the actual thought itself is nasty. In expressing it in the language I use against myself in my thoughts then there is the possibility I offend other people who suffer from various conditions I may mention below. If so, I'm sorry and I'm probably ignorant on a lot of things, but it's just how I feel.

I had to take some photos there. I've never taken photos of myself in my life. I run when I see a camera and only ever appear in a photo if there is no way whatsoever to avoid it. I've been destroying them since primary school. My long suffering family are used to my peculiarities and how seriously I take them so have evolved not to pull out cameras and stuff when I'm around. There are two photos of me in existence :- one from when I was 11 and the other 4. Both occasions were school photos (one of those unavoidable ones). I hate both and would happily destroy both if it was in my power (damn you facebook!) but even the hardest-hearted person would see in the 4 year old at least a cute kid clinging onto his happy mum on the first day of school. I see the weakness and hate it. I pity the mother.

I don't see a therapist as such. I can't afford it. I did a 6 session course of CBT about 7 years ago I'm guessing when unemployed as I was on some sort of sickness benefit which offered it but - although I liked the therapist - I didn't address anything like that because I'm a grown man and the whole issue just makes me feel very juvenile and it's all deep-down childhood stuff. I found the whole CBT process very challenging and painful. I couldn't differentiate between thoughts and feelings. I don't really feel things as they happen...normally. I don't process things that way. My feelings are slow. I can't let go of things. I obsess. I hold onto thoughts and feelings. I don't feel fully conscious in things as they happen. I just found it all very hard. We worked on the main issue at the time which was anxiety and didn't touch underneath it into reasons but I did learn some techniques and it did actually help in one aspect. I've got a lot of stuff going on. I realise to some people that will sound needy and a bit precious but it's the reality of things.

If I saw a therapist I would be pegged as BDD on that aspect (I'd guess) but the honest truth is that I'm just kind of ugly. It bothers me that the boy was superficial enough to care but I can forgive him. It bothers me more that I still have these juvenile feelings but it's not even a superficial thing really. I mean it was as a teenager. I didn't like being teased or singled out and resented anyone doing that. To me they were just picking on obvious faults because they were cruel and I was inferior. To them I would be the little up-himself kid who couldn't take getting teased like everyone else could because he thought he was better. What really annoys me is that I still have the same reactive behaviour as an adult. It's pure ingrained instinct.--- Don't look in mirrors. Avoid eye contact. Exit if cameras come out. If in group photos hide at the back.--- But I long ago gave up any inkling of partner, relationship, kids, sex, happy happy, joy joy so it really makes no difference at all. And I couldn't even do all that anyway - the social partner, the able husband, the good father, and all the various roles. I wouldn't even be confident my equipment still worked after a decade plus of anti-depressants and self-medicating with weed. Can't remember the last time I was even turned on. I can find women attractive but it's in a sort of wistful and bitter way. So what I'm saying is that I'm not on any market and I don't get attracted to supermodels - rather (generally) brunettes with liberal sensibilities or (historically) anyone who seems nice enough as a person and shows any interest in me - so I don't feel superficial, but that instinctive reactive horror and hatred of superficial self remains just the same.

Anyway....what this long rambling nonsense is getting to is a really nasty thought I had doing those photos tonight which took me back to being about 16 or 17 really vividly.

I used to think that I must be (pejorative words warning) handicapped, retarded, subhuman, malformed, etc..... and no one would admit it to me. The whole world knew except me. I'd imagine everyone looking at me like some subhuman joke and laughing at the little unfortunate's vain attempts to be like them. I would be exasperated when someone like my gran would make unsubtle comments about how I must be popular with the girls and was too modest to admit it. I was never sure whether she was genuinely blinded by love or just trying to boost my confidence. I often wanted to snap at her like - "why are you doing this charade? look at me. they hate me". I didn't, but I remember the knot in my stomach and how much it hurt when I used to have to go through the whole charade. "No. Honestly gran. I would tell you. Hahaha. No. Honestly. Okay, have it your way." And again, it's funny because it wasn't like I ever wanted a girlfriend anyway at that age. I found the odd one attractive but the idea of talking to one terrified me. The only few that got near me would be in situations like a party where we'd be drunk and it would be a desperate move on their part. They'd also be pretty liberal in their selectiveness of men. I've had a few women throw themselves at me but it's just that - it's "any man will do" and "VODKA VODKA VODKA" and occasionally someone so forward that I turn into a shy 8 year old (I'm not far past that now). One I'm pretty sure was an absolute lunatic or on some insanely strong drugs. And all that's slowing down a bit anyway (I'd wager stopped) as I get older and spend more time inside this room. So I don't feel that sexually driven or someone who values physical attributes in the same way as I can recognise it in other men. (I've seen men who literally are attracted to every 2nd adult woman they see. That was never me. "She probably won't like me anyway. But she does look so pretty when she turns like that. And she is so intelligent and funny." That was more like me. I grew up with two sisters and the bond between me and my Dad's always been a bit ****ed up due to circumstances. I'm pretty much a male brain (visual stimulus, logic oriented, focus on single disciplines), female heart, and male (ish....not the finest example) body.

Damn, but do I feel lonely. Desperately. And I feel pretty pointless and self-hating. It's such a hopeless state of affairs.

But.....essay aside.....has anyone else ever felt as though there must be something really obvious wrong with them that everyone can see except them and no-one will admit? I got such a sense of deja vu when I remembered that. I used to cry so hard as a boy about that wondering why my family wouldn't just tell me what it was that was wrong with me. I was probably insane which would make me still insane I guess.

And do you think that the process of taking childhood comments and incidents and holding on to them means a person is destined to remain a child emotionally?

Please comment as I'd appreciate it.