Feeling sad. I can't focus on anything at work today. Nothing wrong with my life. Nothing to be sad about. Nothing should be wrong. Everything should be fine. I am lazy, don't try as hard as others have to. I need to just try harder. Be less stupid. Actively work on facing my flaws instead of dancing around it forever.

I hate myself. I wish I didn't exist. I hate myself. I am an awful excuse for a daughter. An awful excuse for a friend. I hate myself. I will never amount to anything meaningful in this lifetime. I will not make anyone happy. I will not be good at anything except complaining. I hate myself. Everyone will hate me. It will be wonderful. I can be hated. Nobody will like me. I can be alone and talk to the shadows on the wall. Or a T who is paid to listen to me. But maybe she doesn't even like listening to me. I hate myself.

I need help to save me from me. I hate myself too much. I can't wait for the day that I go straight into the dirt. No more worrying about who I did or didn't please. Nobody to drag down anymore. No more love in this world. Be alone forever. No hurt. No wishes. No disappointing. I wish I could go after my parents go so that they don't have to live wondering what went wrong with me. I am awful.

Sigh, I want something to fall from the sky and kill me. But even in life things don't fall from the sky. I have to work for it. So maybe I need to actually try harder if I want to die. How messed up is that.

Today is awful. I can't get anything done. I am the worst. I need to do better. I want to forget everything. I wish I wasn't so dumb. That way maybe I actually could be better. But instead I'm a stupid measly little small fry who can't do anything.

Can someone please rip out my heart and tell me to get over my own bigoted head. I need to stop being so self centered. I talk about myself too much. Don't think of anyone else. I want to smash my heart in. If only it would stop hurting for a whole day. That would be amazing.