I know it's not as bad as it seems. I'm not trying to imply that being hospitalized is pathetic. Of course there's times when it's needed. I just feel like for me I rely on it too much. And I feel like if I keep getting hospitalized I will do irreparable damage to my son. Especially now that his father is gone. I just see this as my regular pattern - I get so desperate I end up saying stupid **** and wind up inpatient. And there's not much they could do ip except start me on emsam sooner. And I'm not a real danger to myself, I don't think. I really don't have any means to kill myself. My only weapon is my car and since I realized there are guardrail around all the pillars I had planned to crash into I don't really have a backup plan. Nothing that I could see myself actually executing.

I tell you I wouldn't be sad if a truck hit me though. I see that happening a lot. It's just what my brain shows me. It's forcing me to see these things and I can't escape.

I'm hanging out with my sister in law tomorrow. I sooooo don't want to but it's probably better than sitting around by myself.