I'm just gonna keep posting here. Just to get my thoughts out.

I've gotten to the scary functional split brain place again. It happened two years ago before I had a major meltdown/psychotic break. It's like, I can function and do all the things I need to do, but all the while my brain is screaming at me and trying to kill me. Like I'll be doing something simple and the image of me driving my car off the road will come up. I was driving my son home and sped up, intending to hit the bus in front of me...but then I thought what if there are kids in there? So I didn't.

And even though my brain is screaming I am outwardly calm.

I think this is even worse than regular depression because I can pretend everything is ok real easy so when something happens it will be a big shock to everyone around me.

I think I'll be better tomorrow. I'm hoping. I don't like this brain splitting thing. It makes me feel crazy. And I swear to god I cannot be hospitalized AGAIN. that is just pathetic. PATHETIC.

I'm trying to get through it on my own. I've done it before. I should be ok.