Hi DM, I can relate to a lot of what you said. While I don't feel like the world knows what is wrong with me (in my case I think it is the opposite... I think I know, and that I hide it so well that they can only see the superficial aspects of my mess of a life.

But I hold on to things and whether I'm in the grip of depression or doing well I will often flash to some little embarrassing or bad thing that happened 45 years ago and it will cause me a great pain in my gut. I'm extremely introverted so I am alone. I've never even had someone throw themself at me in a state of drunkenness so that confirms that while I know I am loveable as a friend, I am unloveable as anything else, I'm just, to everyone, a 100% non-sexual side character to talk to but never part of the main storyline.

And because of the above I also feel like I am stunted emotionally and immature. I've been working on this for the past ten years and I think I'm doing better but without any opportunity to experience it I have no idea if I'm still a child in my head, emotionally, socially. My actions when I get angry or jealous confirm that, yes, I am still immature.