The same thoughts keep running in my head, the same self-destruction. The constant comparison that seems to make sense because that's how reality works - the world compares you, and as soon as you're not good enough, you're thrown aside like garbage, if not outright attacked and made into a joke. So why shouldn't I compare myself?

I asked once on another site what I could do about the hateful envy I have towards the highly intelligent (the subject of this morning's thoughts, actually emotional this time). One person said it won't be over until I "win", until I've achieved something brilliant, or have gotten myself on their level. As great as that sounds , I feel like a fraud just thinking about it. If I actually accomplished something on that level, or self-improved to that level, I'd likely end up rubbing elbows with geniuses. All of whom would know I'm not one of them, just a hardworking imitation. Someone who has to sprint to keep up with their walking speed, intellectually.

I'm digressing.

Effort is hard. Moreso, it's terrifying, because I know I'll fail. Why hurt myself anymore? Also, I've already demonstrated my level of intelligence - I dropped out of college after failing almost all my classes. That's what my intelligence is capable of. That's my limit. I don't really know what there is that I can do. I'm not really interested in anything, I don't care about much, so doing things "for fun" is harder than it sounds.

This whole business feels like a sickness. This belief system of mine makes me feel delusional (something I've been meaning to say since the OP but kept forgetting).