ive had i think three as well. after my first at 15-16 i actually had a pretty stable period where i managed to make up all the classes i failed because of mental illness and graduate, travel a bit, get into college, do regular young adult things. things went bad when i started seeing doctors about my "social anxiety." they put me on buspar first and it gave me insomnia. the lack of sleep made me hallucinate. i had to go to a partner's house to sleep because i thought my ex had died and his ghost was living inside my walls and would impregnate me if i slept. i accidentally ended up going off them cold turkey because i couldnt hold anything in my stomach anymore. and ever since my last major trauma 2 years ago (actually almost exactly 2 years ago, i think it was february 2nd) ive had pretty much nonstop delusions at warbling levels of danger. it started thinking i was a robot or cyborg and if i stripped my skin off terminator style there'd be nothing but wires and metal underneath. luckily i never tried. its the worst its even been now though. im really hoping once i get put on medication things will start looking up. id love another couple gap years to actually live a little

funnily smoking never made me worse? only had one bad reaction during that first break where i started hallucinating badly. thinking my friends were going to burn me alive, my boyfriend was going to kill me. never had a bad experience after.