If your concerned about knowing if and when you might be in an "episode" consider asking your wife to act as a barometer . She knows you well and is most likely in the best position to tell you if your " off the rails " so to speak . Take heart and know you are not alone and find folks you trust and can support you at all times . be a friend to yourself and begin to accept that some of what happens to us is out of our control and just as you are able to feel fear to such a deep degree you will also be able to experience it's counterpoint - trust . Remember your strengths when you feel out of control - give yourself compassion and take comfort in the knowledge you have navigated difficult times before and so you will again until your back on safe shores again .