Meds and therapy and talking to anybody. The main point is that I have to distract myself from what I'm thinking about. If worse comes to worse I'll call 911 and tell them to take me to the nearest psych ward. I'm not going to let being alone kill me. I'm still going to wait for "my time."

Heck, if I haven't k****d myself by now,,,,,,??? Went thru all that pain for nothing ?? Let "them" win ?? Hell no. Now is the time I get to know who I really am. I've lived for everybody else so far. How about living for ME now !

I could ID with what has been said so far all the way.
I don't want to get into my life story , ( maybe someday in a book , which I'm sure everybody here could do too )!

You need practical advice right now.
Listen to what's been said in the responces to your post. You will get thru
the anxiety and fear that's trying to kill you. This too shall pass.
Sometimes I look up and say " why " ??? Why am I still here , why do I feel this way ? I don't ask unanswerable questions anymore. I can still get some happiness and joy out of this life yet ! Maybe I haven't even lived life yet.

Post later how you got thru what your going thru now. So that you can tell the next person, feeling like you now , how to do it.