I have little idea as to what the disorder could be and have been for a long time trying to decide if it was in fact some sort of formal disorder, so since we (the family) are about to enter a high stress mode I thought I best start here to find out where I should post. Moderator, if you could simply move this to whatever is the appropriate forum, I sure would appreciate it!

My wife has always exhibited a second side of herself - even before dating her a little more than a couple decades ago, a co-worker came up with another name for her for when she would be hostile. Those hostile periods tended to only last a matter of hours or days if I recall. We would call her by the other name for the period she was exhibiting those personality traits.

After getting married I found that the hostile side of her was not something related to simply struggling with present finances - I had hoped with the money I was making at the time all would be fine (I was so wrong!). In retrospect, I probably encouraged problems for whenever she would get real upset I would go out and buy her something, usually jewelry. Also of some note that her "family" situation growing up was an alcoholic mother who had almost a revolving door when it came to "daddies", she never had a model of commitment, loyalty nor lasting affection - something that wouldn't sink in to my thinking for a number of years to come.

Over time we had several children, and over time I found my income was highly dependent on the economy - when the economy in the state we lived in crashed (way before and much worse than the national economic problems), so did my income.

She became extremely abusive and hostile, many times what I would have to call hysterically crying, screaming and insulting me. Though I believed I had to maintain a course in business as the best direction to recover over time, I abandoned it because of how extreme she was becoming in order to appease her, as she was threatening divorce and I had long before decided I would not allow the breakup of the family no matter what (another realization - our country believes otherwise).

We went through great financial stress, losing our home. I kept applying for a wide spectrum of jobs, but where when I was younger I was solicited by companies away from positions, I now was no longer of apparent value. My inability to get a decent job resulted in her accusing me of not trying and raising her hostility. I finally found a minimum wage job at a retail store - I was honestly happy to secure it; not having work is horrible, but after a while the work started taking a strong toll on me physically and from her I endured constant insult for the minimal income I was bringing in.

I started to notice that the more abusive periods were almost cyclical - she would be mildly abusive for a number of months, then aggressively abusive for a number of months - never physically, but speak to me like I was being spoken to as I imagine an abusive prison guard might treat a prisoner (I am contemplating a Nazi concentration camp). I am told how worthless I am to the household, how she has to support me, how I am not allowed to buy anything without her permission... You get the picture. Most of this time when I was not reacting to the insult, I was very disappointed in myself for not being able to help her. To see her depressed, to see the drinking (alcohol), to see the frustration. If I wasn't so arrogant before, all of that might have been avoided with more controlled savings and more pressure for her to get help in the beginning when I could have afforded it.

Now, to make it more interesting - I recently resumed the line of work that once made me a rather notable income after finding out that it had somewhat recovered - a few friends I had stayed in it and though there were some very lean years (not worse than minimum wage), they were all building back for the last several years and making respectable incomes. In my first month back I brought in roughly 2.5 times what I had previously made in retail. My second month is more of a struggle, but not only have I brought in as much as I did in a month in retail but have several transactions that are entering their finalization and will exceed last month's income, plus business in process for next month. And for some unknown reason, over last nite to this morning, she has snapped back into hostility.

When she changes between hostility modes it has always appeared rather sudden. And so it was over yesterday/today. She just suddenly became demanding to an abusive extent - i.e., I did several hundred dollars' worth of work for the work that she does, for which a couple weeks ago she gave me $20 and told me to spend it any way I wanted to, so I bought a grocery item I enjoy - Today I once again was ordered not to ever buy anything again of that nature for myself, to only eat what she purchases. I also was ordered to never again feed the cats on the furniture because they threw-up on the furniture and floor.

Wow. When I write that it really makes me amazed at the situation. As an item that may or may not be related, I believe she is (She is) an alcoholic - usually has a beer while getting ready in the morning, an 18 pack every two to four days, "airline" bottles hidden around, a DUI even though she was no longer in the vehicle but an employer who recently terminated her for her attitude had to call the police as she became disruptive when she went to pick up a check and was under the influence.

She is very good at her profession, but has lost a number of positions because the people she works for and with end up not liking her (My presumption. She has related that she has been told it has nothing to do with the quality of the work, just compatibility or words to that effect). At home she speaks of people at work as idiots, morons, stupid... Each time is pretty much the same where she gets the position and likes the person she will be working for, then finds fault, then becomes very critical, then gets terminated. Most positions last about two years, but fortunately she has maintained this one for a little longer due to managerial turnover, I believe.

Even if it wasn't for the children I doubt I would abandon her. I knew she had problems when I married her. Though I was the idiot to think the money I was making at the time could solve the problems, I still made my commitment. I am sure that besides losing a substantial income from a couple decades ago, I have my faults, perhaps many.

I once (long ago) enjoyed studying psychology and am reasonably intelligent, but I am way too close to this situation and as I know once again the climate is turning more abusive, I am looking for some collaboration. I want to find a way to help her, and in effect, help the family and myself. So... Can you folks direct me to the proper forum?