Holy %#@&#!, this is starting to hurt like hell. It comes in waves. I knew nighttime would be the hardest. It always is, even when he's here. But normally if it becomes intolerable I can leave him a message and he will call back the next day. I had no idea how very much it would affect me just know that that is not possible right now. I have the object constancy and the emotional regulation of a 2 month old. It feels permanent. Like I lost something. I want to listen to some of the music he gave me, write in a my journal a bit, and then go to bed. But right at this moment I feel like I've been left to orbit and if something goes wrong there' s nothing to hold onto. Sleeping would probably be the best option at this point. I had an awful night of sleep last night as I always do if I don't take Klonopin before bed. I am trying to be very careful with my Klonopin because I don't see the new pdoc until the 18th. So until then, all I've got is what I've got. I feel very much like a little girl when he's gone... As I begin to explore the different parts of my personality that are not yet integrated, I realize that it's the inner-child that does most of the missing, holds most of that pain. I am aware of the moments in which I deal with his absence in a most child-like manner-- suddenly putting down the book I'm reading, going upstairs, holding a stuffed animal and crying... and then it goes away for a bit. But even in the most "adult" moments, I feel as though I'm just going through the motions... forcing myself to be that part of myself.