I will try to make this short but it is a long story.

I am currently 47, divorced with two grown children and three grandchildren.

I used to be in the military and rising through the ranks very quickly(E-5 in 27 months) and one fateful day in 1995 I had a seizure out of nowhere. It was the only grand mal I have ever had because I get auras warning me hours before it builds to one so I can get it stopped.

In took 18 months to get through the medical boards and get a medical discharge. During this time, I started to get severe headaches and a while after that I started feeling down, enough that I got referred to a psychiatrist for the first time in my life. It wasn't real bad but they tried a lot of the usual suspects of medication with none of them helping.

After getting discharged, I started in the VA's vocational rehab program as a student in an engineering field. Scholastically I was doing better than I ever had but my depression got worse and worse, made worse by my wife leaving culminating in an unfortunate run-in with a box cutter and a week in the VA psych ward in 1999.

My VA psychologist tying me in knots certainly didn't help matters and I have not seen a counselor since 1999. The VA psychiatrists are there for diagnosis and prescriptions. I can see him for 30 minutes every 3 months. I know not all counselors are bad, but she did a number on my head that I didn't think was possible.

By 2000 I had taken a break from school and was very suicidal, not just thoughts but near action. The thoughts never went away though.

I eventually felt ready to go back to school and got my BS(still had to take a semester or two off a few times a long the way) with honors and got accepted into a master's program. The depression was up and down but even down I had learned to live with it better, it had really become a part of me. I also had my kids with me nearly full time from about a year after my hospitalization until they grew up and moved out and they were teenagers while I was in school which helped keep me focused.

By the time I was halfway through my masters program I started getting really sharp stabbing pains in my chest and down my arms into my fingers. That was something new, I was totally convinced I was having a heart attack(I had gained too much weight during all this time, probably 40 pounds overweight). It turned out I had no heart issues and they said it was a panic attack.

I was able to finish my coursework on time, but it took 2 years to complete my thesis and defense, thanks to a very understanding adviser. My thesis was a very solitary activity. What very few friends, or maybe acquaintances would be a better term, I had I lost touch with. The last time I dated someone was 2002 and I have no desire to date or try to make new friends or catch up with old.

The heart attack scare really ramped up my anxiety and in 2011, a few months before my thesis defense, I was so bad I went to the VA and begged for more help. From 2000-2011 I wasn't on any psychiatric meds, nothing had worked so what was the point?

From 2011 to now I only saw a psychiatrist, once ever three months and they kept switching the meds. During this time I was put on many different SSRI's and SNRI's. Like before, they did nothing and most caused nasty side-effects. I was also put on benzos and a combination of drugs including risperidone which I lasted 2 days before the side effects were too much.

After trying a few more things for a year I was put on Remeron 15 mg, which I still take except at 45 mg and suffer bad restless legs, which I have to deal with because I am scared of the withdrawal effects, I ran out for two days once and that was the worst two days of my life. I was at 30 mg for a few months but it caused me to gain another 20 which went away quickly once I moved up to 45.

I was also started on Effexor, which gave me tinnitus, which I still have to this day, even though I have been off it for 18 months. I was on Ativan but it was causing rebound anxiety so I am on a low dosage of Klonopin which takes the edge off most of the time.

My depression got worse as did my anxiety which caused paranoia, mostly about medical issues. For a while I was convinced I had congestive heart failure and recently diabetes, both were false fears but I had both for many months. It got me exercising again, I would take long walks, swim, etc just to convince me that my heart was okay, which would last a few hours before freaking out again.

In 2014 I started hearing and seeing things which prompted my shrink to add psychotic features to my MDD diagnosis. I started 20 mg of Geodon twice a day. The morning dose would knock me out all afternoon so I only take 20 mg at night which doesn't cause me to get tired. It doesn't take away all of the psychotic symptoms, but at least I rarely see things that aren't there/

A while after that, I would get these weird crying spells, sometimes they would last 10 seconds, sometimes 1 minute. I would just feel completely overwhelmed and sad and just start crying and it would abruptly end. To this day, I still get them.

In the last 6 months I have been obsessing over my teeth. It is nearly impossible to get dental through the VA if you aren't at 100% disability rating and I am 80%. Since I am not working I qualify for state aid and finally got into see a dentist for the first time in a long while.

The news wasn't great but not as bad as I feared. I don't need anything more than a deep cleaning and 2 cavities filled. I am not in danger of losing my teeth but I still obsess. It has gotten to the point where I barely eat because I am afraid my teeth will fall out. Since September I have lost 40 pounds. The good news is since I rarely eat I make sure it is very healthy food. I sit, sometimes for hours afraid to brush my teeth in fear that they will fall out. I also floss constantly all day leading to chronic sore gums.

My shrink doesn't think that my hypochondria is caused my my psychosis but is clueless about the cause.

My shrink is frustrated with my lack of any sort of progress. He says that in 20 years I should have found some relief. He ordered a thyroid test which came back normal.

He says the remeron is doing nothing for my depression and wanted to take me off, but it is the only thing that helps me sleep. Before I started taking it, I would go 20-50 hours without sleep.

He is considering ECT, but is afraid it will be harmful because of my seizure disorder. It seemed to me at my last visit that he was scraping the bottom of the barrel. The VA system lets me log in and read all lab results and doctors notes and he labeled me with "intractable dysthemia".

The only thing that brings me any measure of happiness are my grandchildren.

I have been depressed and having those thoughts for so long, they feel like they are a part of me. It is not really that that is bugging me. It is the fact that I used to be able to see out into the future and make plans, even if my depression held me back, I could still see far into the future.

Now, I can see a few days at best and can't even make any sort of plans even for that short time period. I try to look forward and all I see is darkness.

Even though I struggled through at got two degrees during this time, things have been trending down, it is just the slope that changes. After all this time, is it possible to reverse course? I could live another 5, 10, 20, heck even 40 years, but what is the point if things constantly get worse?

So, what next? Is there really anything worth trying? ECT seems risky and even my shrink thinks the chance of success is low. I am sure there is oddball med or combo I haven't tried, but switching meds and dealing with the side-effects are mentally and physically painful. It is not like remeron + geodon is common from what I could find and it doesn't really work for me.

This is probably too long, but I wanted to convey the length and apparent hopelessness of my situation.

Thank you for reading any advice or tips would be very appreciated.