Welcome to PC. Thanks for the detailed and quite articulate post. I am sorry you are going through so much. I too find it hard to see much light in the future, so I try to live one day at a time. I admire the strength and presence of mind it took for you to get your degrees in the midst of all the pain you have experienced. And I'm glad that you have your grandchildren to give you a measure of happiness. As for advice, it doesn't sound like you are in any kind of talk therapy, which might be helpful. At least worth a try. You will also find support on this forum, so keep posting to let us know how you're doing. I am thinking of you and wishing you the best.