Anniversary of my gran's death in about 9 hours time. 19 years ago. Where did they all go? I've never seen a human being suffer so much. Strokes - too many to count, going over about 7 years. Emphysema - oxygen tent. All human dignity taken. Husband died '93 and after that she just wanted to be dead - "just let me go, I want to die". I was in the next room when she died then saw the body. It wasn't the peaceful passage to a better place that you would want. Nightmares for years after. If that was the fate of her then what sort of world is this? My first trip to a doctor some time after that to get anti-depressants. I was a mess - totally lost in morbid thoughts for years. I could see what had happened to her and how her will to live had evaporated through continued ill-health and grief. I thought my sisters were going the same way. My mum is strong but I could see her cracking too. Halfway through uni and turned into some oddity who sat in his own world, couldn't make eye contact, and ate his lunch in corners - even cubicles at times. Sisters were suicidal. Both ended up in hospital at some point - one more regularly than the other. Everyone else got better and I got worse. Horrible dreams and horrible thoughts. I stood in the shower one day and thought about how everything was bad and I couldn't control any of it and just starting shaking uncontrollably and I've been weak ever since. Where is my backbone?

I hate this day. Worse being on my own and in the middle of this low mood mixed with reckless and juvenile thoughts. I haven't grown at all. No resolution or learning - just the same old garbage. In fact, I might drive to the graveyard. It's about 40 miles or something but I'm doing nothing and I have the car and have been nowhere this week. And I'm lonely so I might as well talk to a headstone. And I haven't been up there in months either. Will it make me feel better? Probably not, but I'll feel worse again if I don't do something.

Really need to find somewhere to put a diary. It feels good to write but it's like defecating - I don't really want to show it off.