Quote:
Originally Posted by ScientiaOmnisEst
Need to put this here or it will swirl around in my head all night.
I wish I could be one of those people who doesn't care about food or their bodies. Who are thin because they find eating and other self-care to be chores rather than pleasurable activities. Who forget to eat for days or stop eating despite not being full sometimes because it's boring, or they have more interesting, intellectual things to do. I end up feeling like, by comparison, I'm low and disgusting, little more than a crawling animal with no capacity for *higher* thought, no mental life of any value but is only concerned with her body.
But I remain preoccupied. I eat even if I'm not hungry, or if I'm bored because I'm not interested enough in anything for that long. I think about food sometimes even if I'm thinking about other things. It's like a compulsion at times and I hate it.
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Found some online acquaintances talking about how some of them consider eating a chore, or have had periods of time with no appetite where they basically had to force feed themselves to eat normally.... and these thoughts kicked in again. I straight-up asked if someone could teach me this attitude and, thankfully, no one's replied.
But I can't help but hate myself for my preoccupation. For my constant boredom eating. For how I jut eat mechanically, with little thought, for something to do. I must have had food flash across my mind at least a dozen times in an hour at one point, and I'm not even hungry! At all! I overate yesterday and don't want anything physically, just mentally! But even illness doesn't stop my routine...
Maybe that's the key, routine. I need to make a routine where eating plays a very small role. I've thought before that scheduling my food intake might fix me, both in terms of weight and control. Idk though.
I do suspect that mental activity is the other solution. Like in the post I required, I kind of look at ignoring the body as a sign of great intellect, because your mind is on higher things so the physical is unimportant, maybe even disgusting. I've encountered people so mentally focused they would sometimes stop eating even if they weren't full because "it's too boring". Whereas I have a compulsion to finish what's in front of me regardless of how full I am or not. And worse, I find eating frequently enjoyable. I don't really want to train myself to dislike eating but I think I have to.
At least I don't have to be as ashamed here.