I don't truly hate him, but I feel like I do.
I have numerous mental and physical health issues of my own and I haven't managed to be consistent enough to help him learn to manage his behavior. He scores too high to receive therapy through the insurance. We seem to be regressing in his behavior. His grades are falling and his outbursts are becoming more frequent.
When he has these outbursts over things that seem stupid to me, I find myself thinking "Why can't you be normal like my other kids?" I feel terrible afterwards for thinking it. Sometimes I even loose my temper and tell him to stop being bad. I know he's not being bad, he's overwhelmed. Sometimes he tells me he hates me. Sometimes I think I hate him back, but I know I don't. I'm just overwhelmed.
I have read and researched enough to know what is going on in his head, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with it in the moment. I know the correct way to respond to him, but in my anger I rarely do.
When my other children get on my nerves I can take them in my arms and cuddle them and they snuggle into me and I feel a wave of love and compassion wash over me. When I take my HFA child into my arms he will only stay for a moment and sometimes he will scream to be let go. I feel like I can never refill the well of my love for him. I feel so much resentment towards him.
It's a vicious circle. The more stressed I get, the more he acts out and the more he acts out, the more stressed I get. I can't seem to break the cycle.
Does any other parent of an autistic child feel this way? Or am I just a bad mother?