fell off the wagon last night, drank 6 beers. today i'm surprisingly not-hungover. i'm going to take that as a sign not to mess up again. though it was nice to get a break from my depression. i just wish there was a way to get the same feeling without having to harm myself. the 'healthy' coping methods never worked for me, and neither did meds or therapy, though to be fair i haven't given that another chance in 2 years. i just don't have the patience for trial-and-error stuff anymore; i need something that i know for sure will help. they say that happiness comes from within, but i am empty inside.