Shame can be paralyzing and isolating. I'm sorry that happened to you, and you feel this way.

Speaking for myself, I look at it, at least in part, as a temptation. Shame makes me look at the worst parts of me, or at things I've done, and makes me ignore everything else. Then it drives me to do those things again because I don't care about myself. I don't care about myself because I only focus on the bad. I try to think that even though I did or do those things, and I am responsibe, I am not those things, and am better than that. It helps to remember that you are not always 100% responsible. In your case you were vulnerable and taken advantage of. You were abused.

I have a problem with Pornography and Masturbation. I really truly hate it, and I feel like such a pervert. For the most part I'm trying to escape from reality, pump myself full of endorphins, and trying to make up for the affection I've never had and feel like I never will have. It makes everything worse. I'm so ashamed I wish I could disappear. What I do is my fault, but the unfulfilled emotional needs, lonliness, and pain aren't.

With my therapist it's REALLY hard to talk about. I avoid it too much, but it helps a lot when you reveal your shame to someone and they still accept you and don't judge you. In the real world, when I'm with other people everyday I try to push it out of my mind and remember I am not those things.