I did get my hair cut and I managed to make it to target to buy new shoes. So at least my son has shoes without holes.

I'm in a bad place because I cannot stop obsessing about how bad I feel. I felt better when I watched my movie but I also can't concentrate for very long. All I can think about is sing me to sleep and how awful I feel. I don't know how to stop it. This always happens before I get hospitalized. I just obsess over how bad everything is.

And then part of me always says how I must be just making it all up for attention and that if I really wanted to I could pull myself out of it. I need to break this pattern! I'm considering doing the IOP again if it will keep me out of the hospital. Maybe a couple of weeks off work in partial while I wait to start emsam (assuming my pnurse even lets me). I don't really want to do that because it seems like a waste of time but I've got to do something. I don't really want to die. Really. The bad part of my brain says shoot yourself but I look at my son and I think I HAVE to live to see him grow up. He needs his mommy. But mommy can't live like this, this half life, this cursed life.

I have to focus on getting through tomorrow. I made it through today alive. I even fed myself. Terrible food but still. I just have to drive carefully to work tomorrow. Somehow make it through all my classes.

I've considered quitting teaching at the end of the year and becoming a classroom aide instead. The best job I had was being a one to one aide to a developmentally disabled girl. She was so sweet. It was so nice to be helping yet not have to worry about lesson plans and paperwork and stuff. Of course this was before symptoms resurfaced. the company I worked for wasn't very good but there are school districts out there that pay for days off and stuff.

It's just a thought. Always a thought I get when I'm like this.

I'm going to bed soon. Maybe I'll watch some more comedy. Distract myself a little.