Hi September -- I agree that saying "failed as a man" is a bit too strong. Surely there are other ways that he has success as a man. He holds down a job, I presume that the children are taken care of, he has a home, etc.

The other thing I wondered is whether this is the first time the matter has been addressed or if you've already had numerous talks with him. Reminding him about the tile work is one thing. It is another to put it out there, saying: You know, your dad and I lent you that money in return for the tile work. I'm very disappointed that you didn't keep your commitment to us. " Etc.

I have a very bad habit of hiding behind letters because I am too scared to handle confrontation. After 56 odd (oh, yes, very odd indeed) years of this, I can say that about 85% of the time my beautifully written letter causes more problems.

My current and previous T are trying to help me to deal with setting boundaries inpersonally. Not all of my efforts are turning out the way I want them to.

But, on the basis of the way that I've blown situations out of proportion and made them even worse than they already were with my notes, I would suggesst (a) keep it as short as possible and (b) sleep on it -- as many night as you can stand to before you mail it. Once it's out there -- you can never put the jello back in the box.

Good luck with this, September.

PS -- I'm glad you're not mad about "poopyhead." I started to be concerned that I'd written out of turn.