[b]<font color="green">Growing up, I learned that anger was forbidden to me. Others were allowed to be angry but not me. I was beaten if I so much as showed an expression of anger on my face. So I would stuff it and deny it until I would explode, but then I always burst into tears of fear. Soon after that I would turn the anger on myself and SI.

The shame and fear anger brings me is overwhelming and all I want to do is punish myself for feeling it. Even writing like this is hard. I can feel the panic grip my heart.

Thanks to my therapist I am getting better with it. I have actually had three blow ups that were very angry without hurting anyone [not even me ] but it is not easy. The anger feels out of control and huge. But I am beginning to have a choice about anger, to express it verbally or do something to deal with it physically [not hurting anyone but maybe hit a pillow, well yall know that stuff LOL.]