Thank you, OmegaLamed. I have turned over every stone looking for help for my friend. We are not married, or related or living together. (We lived together in the past, years ago.) So I'm not under any real obligation, other than the bonds of friendship and affection, which we do have for each other. Since he lives alone and is on a low income, I thought he would be eligible for significant help. He has a social worker through the VAMC. She has told me that he could probably be forced into a nursing home because of his dementia. That seems to be all the VA is interested in helping with. One of the nurses from the VA who has visited him has said that he really should have been "placed" somewhere by now. They talk like he is a thing who needs to be put somewhere.

He has a cozy, clean little apartment that he loves in a very safe senior complex. He has been there for years. I encouraged him to get a nice, wide screen, hi-def TV, and he has a whole schedule of shows that he watches every day - from Good Morning America through to the talk shows at night. He would be devastated to go into a nursing home and sit parked in a wheelchair in front of a communal television in a patients' dayroom. He would just lose more of his mind.

I don't mind shopping for him, writing out his checks, changing the sheets on his bed, etc. I'm retired and can do those things when it's convenient for me. The big problem is that he doesn't eat much when I'm not there. He is losing weight seriously. I arranged Meals on Wheels for him, but he just didn't eat them.

Sometimes, I'm very happy to visit and cook and eat with him. But it's gotten to where, if I take a day or two of not going to see him, I feel horrible that he is not quite coping on his own. I told the VA that I don't think I can meet all his needs on my own. Their response is to start bringing up nursing homes.

I'm a little confused. I have no authority to "put" him in a nursing home. He has not been declared mentally incompetent. I don't consider him to be. He is in danger of severe self-neglect, if I were not doing what I do.

He has adult children, though they are far away. They didn't call me at Christmas to say, "Thanks for all you do." I guess that is a thing that is very demoralizing to me. I feel like his children and the staff at the VA just assume that I will take care of everything for him . . . . and that, if I get tired of that, then I will arrange for him going into a nursing home. Something seems wrong with this picture, though I'm not even sure, myself, what that is. His children are pretty well-off, financially. One of them is what I would consider rich.

Every month I take him to the VA for a medical procedure done under anesthesia. He can't be left alone for 48 hours after that. I am thinking, next month, of bringing him and, then, just leaving the hospital, after they start the procedure. Then the VA would be forced to take care of him for two days. And they would probably be forced to call his family. I even have thought of leaving town, after I leave the hospital, so no one can find me.

I think there is really something wrong with me, mentally, to be cooking up a plan like that. I feel like that would be just nasty and vindictive of me. I believe I'm getting consumed with resentment. I don't resent helping him. I resent that I don't feel acknowledged or appreciated. I think any normal family would have sent me a Christmas card with, maybe, a gift card to Macy's and a note saying "Buy yourself a new sweater, or something you would like." It's not that I need clothes, or anything at all. I just don't think it's normal to be disregarded like this.

So that's why I have this crazy plan to run away and leave others holding the bag. Then they can be scratching their heads and saying, "What do we do now?" I admit that this is not a mature way to handle this situation and that there is something wrong with me, mentally.