almost everything I feel shame about revolves around the sex with my former therapist. Mostly the things I did to make him happy even though I was uncomfortable. Like having sex with strangers so he could watch
Him telling them what to do to me and stuff. Providing me alcohol to make it easier. He knew I didn't like it. The first time he took me to a strangers house I whispered in his ear that I wanted to go home but he didn't say anything and we stayed. Sometimes I would cry during sex but he didn't mind it he said he liked it. He said "I always wanted to eff a girl while she's crying". I would ask him..am I only a sex toy to you? I sure felt that way. He would always say no. I couldn't take it anymore. After an awfully demeaning act that was performed on me by him and another man I went home and cried til I fell asleep. It was a week or so after that I told my pdoc about everything. Then I emailed my former therapist telling him I told. I guess to warn him. Because I still thought he loved me. And I felt regret.