my family never talks about it. my mom knows about the basics of what happened but doesnt know about the other people my former therapist took me to. we never talk about any of it which is pretty much expected. ive never talked about it to anyone but my T and recently i mentioned some things to my trauma group members. i am actually not allowed to talk about it unless its with a mental health professional because of some contract i signed. i wishi could post his name and everything.. i wish i could make a website warning everyone about him. stuff like that..but i cant.

theres so many things i keep inside me for so long, now that i have disclosed some of them to my T i cant turn off all the memories and emotions. i am trying to use my coping skills as best i can... one of my skills is posting on here. im sorry if i get hurt when people dont respond... maybe it is just that people dont knwo what to say.. i can understand that.

precaryous, yes i do know about your story and i am so sorry you went through the same thing. i feel like this kind of stuff is hidden from others and the dangers of this happened are not talked about enough. when i see people post about wanting to have sexual relations with their therapist it triggers me so much, but i also know its natural and theres nothing wrong with it. whats wrong is if the therapist reciprocates these feelings and desires. when my former T first told me about his feelings for me it felt awesome to be honest. finally someone loved me even though they knew every dark thing about me... it felt so relieving... i had wanted love from an older male for a long time since my dad died when right after my 10th birthday. but thats just it, i wanted love... i didnt want kinky sex. and when it quickly became more and mroe about that i didnt know how to leave. i needed this man so much, he fulfilled so many needs i had that i was deprived from and suppressed. i had no one else in my life at that time. it was just him who i talked to. i often found myself thinking how it would end. my former T said he wante dto be a part of my life forever. he said he hoped i never regretted it or resented him for it. he said he feared that this was because of my dad. um, duh

another part i am extremely ashamed of is that i knew he was married. i knew he had 2 kids. i knew he had a family and wife and kids that love dhim and here i am being a homewrecker. he got divorced after everything came to light. thats hard to deal with. with the thoughts that i ruined his life.

sometimes i am angry, i hate him and i hope he dies some slow tortuous death. i can acknowledge that he took advantage of me, groomed me for years starting at a young age, and exploited me.

sometimes i am angry at myself, that ruined his life. that i did seduce him in some way, brought it on myself. one night we were sitting on his couch in his office on opposite ends and our legs were intertwined. i asked him, "do you wish you never met me?" he said yes. ill always remember that. because it mad eme feel like it was me , it wa smy fault.

sorry im writing so much i dont have an outlet right now and i dotn wnat to do something unsafe