You're not gross. My impression of you is that you are a kind, funny, compassionate, and very strong person. Something horrible happened to you, and as a result of that you are carrying around a burden of shame that doesn't belong to you at all. My uni therapist is always telling me that, and constantly encourages me to be kind to myself. That's easier said than done, though.

I like to think of it as this really stupid metaphor: People always try to tell you to just let things go, but unfortunately you can't just abandon the burden and walk away. You have to take it to the same rubbish site you've taken everything else and dump it there, but because it's so heavy it's going to take a long time, and you are going to want to give up so many times you'll lose count. When you feel so worn out you don't think you can continue, you'll probably have to sit down until you can find the strength to stand back up and keep going. But however long it takes, you will get there eventually. If these were definite, concrete objects we could just destroy them, but they're not, and we'll only be able to see them for what they are when we reach our destination; until then they are disguised as something else, something that feels like the truth but isn't. Only by carrying the heavy burden all the way there, can we call its bluff and get rid of it.

Sometimes I just have to come up with stupid ***** like that to make myself feel better. Although it still sometimes makes me feel worse, go figure.

I'm glad he had his license revoked so he can't do this to someone else, but I think he should be behind bars for what he did to you. However, at least he didn't get away with it. You had to be very brave and strong to do what you did, it must have been so hard. I know this all sounds like waffle, but I really mean it: you have a lot to be proud of.