My self-esteem is zero and has been for as long as I remember. I don't know why. I can't think of any one thing or person to blame it on (even the process of that makes me feel uncomfortable), so I either think that I'm twisted in some way to gravitate towards extreme negativity and some sort of emotional masochism, or I've always been weaker than other people. Neither are great thoughts. Finding a positive thought for me is rare. I'm pessimistic to the point of defeatist, although not about everything - just myself. I've probably just spent too much time alone in my own thoughts. Maybe it isn't healthy? And I register on quite a few spectrums really. Depression is my diagnosis (major/general/whatever...I don't know) and anxiety came into that some 8-9 years ago but I've got all sorts of pretty extreme thoughts that tick a few boxes from various psychiatrists and tests.....social anxiety, childhood ocd, high-functioning aspergers....others I've never addressed that exist too.....body dysmorphia perhaps, relationship to food quite possibly, schizoid - yep have elements of that too, paranoia - have had, bipolar - probably not technically but I do get mad periods where the depression lifts and I'm like someone bipolar. I become ridiculously reckless and quite dangerous to myself through sheer misadventure and not caring about my safety. At the same time I still have the other usual nasty thoughts so it's like some depressed guy getting told he has a month to live who then goes and causes mayhem in his life because he feels time running out. I get to feeling that way. Not sure if it's because those times of action are rare amidst the normal inertia and my brain craves change, or if it's because I'm seeing my life opportunities close as I get older, but I've felt a bit wild recently at times - as though I was 19 again. Not that my life ever really gets that wild but the person underneath is an absolute extremist, reckless, and unstable nut at times.

I don't know but, you are right, I'm a bit of a mess really. If I try to step outside of it and look at it then I don't see solutions, just the scale and variety of it all and how pervasive it is from the inside, but from outside I just feel exasperated too and it makes me dislike myself. Again, it's negative thoughts that come out. Any way I turn my thoughts I get more negative thoughts and it all just leads down.

If I had any social skills I would recommend I go out, have a few drinks, and meet some people and live life, but the very thought makes me recoil - not at them but at me - how I would feel, how I would seem, how lonely I would feel on the outside really but trying to be close to people. It's nasty. I've got myself in such a position of weakness.