My major defense mechanism from childhood was to dissociate

It affected my development to the point that I didn't become conscious until it broke through like s tear one night in July when I was 23 and had moved far away from home and what was familiar and defined me

Now I'm 48 and have these horrible flare ups where I can acutely feel severe fragmentation but I do not think it rises to the level of DID...I think it is right below that particular diagnosis

It's horribly painful in many ways mostly in the forefront of my brain/head and inside where I feel no solid sense of self and I get flooded with secondary terror

Does anyone else have a dissociative disorder like this but without alters (not that I know of anyway although I certainly feel state changes and have no continual sense of self from then to know )

I'm so scared and just want to know if anyone else can get this splintered/shattered/fragmented inside and what helps make it calm down

Susan