Finally talked to my mom and let her know how I'm feeling tonight. She was very supportive. The only thing she thinks though is that all the drugs are messing me up more. She's actually advocating ECT again because it worked so well before. But I really want to try medication first. I know it's a long shot but Like I said ECT is not a long term solution. It only worked for less than a year and I still had depressions in that year. Of course it's impossible to know how much is bipolar and how much is trauma.

I keep seeing my husband lying on the kitchen floor, and picturing the exact moment I knew he was gone - when I ran to my room to call 911 and saw it was 4:17am and knew he had probably been there for hours already. It's really awful. And when I am functioning I can process it in therapy but I can't process grief and fight depression too. It's too much.

I'm just rambling...I'm very lonely tonight. Even though my mother was supportive she was also very upset. She kind of did what she always does and ran upstairs to be alone, when I really needed her downstairs with me so I could have someone to talk to. But I left her alone. I know she can't process when I'm in pain. She's too empathetic. She takes on everyone's pain as her own. I used to be like that but I had to shut it off. It was too overwhelming.

I'm listening to asleep and bright eyes on repeat which may not be the best but whatever. I actually felt better this evening because I played jenga with my son and he had such a good time. I wish I felt better so I could play with him more. I love seeing that joy on his face. It makes life worth living.

I do have a good life. It would be better if my husband were here but it's still pretty good. That's why I'm so desperate to feel better. I do have a good life that I want to take part in. I don't want to waste it laying on the couch in pain.

Sigh...one day. One day this will change.