I'm going to need to go back on meds, restart the merry go round of ******** & probably **** up my body & mind even more in the process. Either that or I need to go into an actual outpatient program in the private sector that actually involves psychotherapy. I don't know that bipolar is correct, anxiety defiantly is but whether the agitated depression is unipolar or bipolar I do not know. Current pdoc is a hack imo. The meds I tried helped somewhat but caused side effects I can't tolerate. Every new med makes me even more anxious about it all. I'm so disillusioned by life, the world just doesn't seem worth trying for. I can't be bothered, I'm apathetic one moment then enraged & agitated the next. I'm sick of not knowing what I'm thinking or feeling, I'm sick of the dysphoria. I think when I go back to work I will try to hurt myself because I just don't want to be there, it's all such a pathetic joke, I don't know why anyone bothers. I have so much potential. I have so much to lose. Nothing is really going wrong in my life. It's just not enough. I want more. I can't understand why I can just be content.