Had a pdoc appointment today.

Officially weaning off of lamictal now and then starting depakote. She told me lamictal doesn't have any withdrawal when you stop taking it. I told her I've gone off of it before and had withdrawal. It was horrible. I was sick the entire time. When I got down to a low dose I was so sick and dizzy I couldn't walk. It was like when you've had a long night of heavy drinking and end up laying on your living room floor with the entire room spinning.

She said that when we get down to a lower dose we can slow it down though if I start having bad withdrawal.

I get so physically dependent on meds! I always have such lousy weaning experiences!

And lamictal has been my backbone med for four years. I'm afraid when I go off it everything is just going to crumble and I'll end up in the hospital again!

And depakote scares me.

I know she thinks this is best for me. I guess I can see her point of view. Three out of the four times I've been hospitalized it's been mixed/manic related.

Just...

And I'm scared of weight gain. I feel like weight gain is just inevitable at this moment. I'm going to be on depakote and seroquel together. I'm just doomed.