I saw my therapist today. We talked again about my appearing not that bad to him, that I'm keeping up with conversation ok and don't have any glaring symptoms. I'm hiding this from him and we talked about why. Why is that if I lose control it is going to be very bad. I can't do that. I let myself a little bit at home alone but not really to the extent I feel things are out of control.

The end result is that I now feel like I'm faking. I feel like I'm being left to wait so long because I'm handling things ok. But I'm not. Yet to anyone's eyes I would seem to be ok. Not great but not nearly the way I feel right now.

This makes me wonder how much my psychiatrist realizes about how I'm doing. My mom thinks she thinks I'm doing ok and isn't worried about me and so things just keep drifting. I want to send her an email that says I am not ok. But I think I've done that. I may need to do it again. I don't know. I don't know why repeating myself would help. I don't know what I am going to do that is going to get anyone to know how I feel all the time. Opening up to my therapist would be a good idea but I'm so afraid that if I let myself cry for real, not cry the tears that are born of cycling, that I would never stop.

I don't trust myself. I don't even know how I feel anymore. Maybe this is normal and I'm being a baby. Maybe this really is no big deal. Maybe I'm fine on Seroquel and just need to learn to accept that this is my life.

I just don't know......